And it begins....

Was it wishful thinking that I would actually not have any doubt about this trip?  Yes, yes it was....

Since last Wednesday I have been waiting for my TAM number so that I could begin filling out the Brazilian visa forms.  I received my TAM number yesterday evening - on Sunday, my pastor told me that another pastor would send me the information since he would be in Haiti this week and I needed to proceed. 

So, I received the TAM number.  I sent an e-mail to the other guy at church, saying, hey, I got my TAM number, but I don't speak Portuguese so I don't understand the website.  Is there an English conversion or something??  I'd like to get the itinerary.  He sends me back an e-mail saying the TAM number is not an itinerary number and that he is still waiting on flight information.  Oh...ok.  I ask him what is this TAM number then because I was told it was very important and that I needed to keep a copy of it in my passport for reference.  No response....

One hour.....

Two hours.....

I get a forwarded e-mail saying here is your flight.  You will want to do the expedited visa.  I have included his information at the bottom.  You should really pay by credit card by April 12th or the flight will be cancelled.  I scroll down, down, down.....

The flight is Miami to Manuas, Brazil - round trip.  Great.  Whoa.....that is alot of money!

Now, I didn't ask how this was going to work, but I had assumed from the way my pastor I spoke last week and again on Sunday, that I was going to pay the church right before the trip.  Well, apparently not.  I have to pay for this ticket, right now.  Hmmmmm........I can feel the anxiety creeping in.

Then I realize - wait - this is from Miami round trip.  I e-mail him, and ask How are we getting to Miami?  Do you want to know what his response was?

"We will worry about how to get to Miami later."

Um, excuse me?  Later?  Like when?  Seeing that today is April 10th and I am leaving May7th - or possibly late May 6th!!!  Seriously....when is later?  Is this a man thing?  Or am I just freaking out for no reason?  I think this man thing...

So, now I am in a bit of a position:

1. I can send him back an e-mail that says - what do you mean later?  You never answered my question - what is a TAM number and why is it so important?  And then have him think - Wow, this girl needs to relax.  I'm glad I'm not going on that trip - she is really uptight and a control freak!

2. I can pause and try to trust that God is in control.

Hmmm, my way would be number 1 for sure.  No doubt.  I had actually thought of e-mailing the lead pastor of the entire church to tell him about how I was feeling like no one was giving me any information - about anything!  I was going to tell him maybe he needed to hire a woman to come in there and get this sort of stuff organized.....(you can hear the anxiety can't you???).....but then....

I determined NOT to do that.  I kept telling myself this whole last week that God has this, God will see this through, God called - I said yes and that means he is going to work this out.

So why am I freaking out????

CONTROL!

This is not going like I thought it would go - already.  Rob keeps saying, "This is not YOUR plan, it is God's plan.  HE will work it out".  Immediately in my head, I thought....easy for you to say!  And right after that - I know!

I really wanted to not have any doubt through this process.  I'm actually disappointed that it has only been a week before I allowed doubt to consume - even for a short bit.  

Thankfully, I know - without a shadow of a doubt - this trip was his plan and not mine.  He will work this out.  I don't know how - but he will.  There was a verse that was said tonight at our class that I know was for me:

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord

Just the beginning made me feel a bit better.  Some of my classmates laughed with (at) me because they know how hard it is for me to release control.

Bright spot - My insurance company pays for travel immunizations!  Saves me $393!!!  Whoop Whoop!  So excited about that!

It is hard to remember that his ways are not my ways.  His timing is not my timing.  Ugghhh.....

Still stressed, asking for forgiveness for my doubt, and emotionally drained after a long day at work....27 days left.